


You Love Love Love (When You Know I Can’t Love)

by luoup (ravenic)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Asexual Relationship, Canon Compliant, F/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Relationship Negotiation, all the past stuff is very vague but unfortunately relevant, discussion of past trauma, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27908899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenic/pseuds/luoup
Summary: Hawke and Fenris talk aboutthat night, and some revelations are had.
Relationships: Fenris/Female Hawke
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	You Love Love Love (When You Know I Can’t Love)

**Author's Note:**

> this was a little weird to write, but i felt like i needed to. i myself am asexual/aromantic, and also sex-repulsed. people can be any of those to any degree, for any reason or lack thereof. clearly, fenris has an absolute boatload of issues with intimacy and sex, which all came to the surface after getting together with hawke. i thought about it a lot, and this is what came out. then j finally convinced me to actually post it, so here it is. 
> 
> note: my hawke is Hard of Hearing, for both in- and out-of-game reasons. there's a bit of meta on my tumblr [here](https://luoup.tumblr.com/post/636724868526800896/hawke-is-hard-of-hearing-how-i-play-da) (plus more on how i play dragon age, because it's... Something). in-game, she started with bad hearing and it only got worse with years of mercenary work and the events of II. not particularly relevant, but it's mentioned in here so i thought i'd throw that in to keep anyone from being confused.

“You don’t understand,” Fenris snapped. He was bristling, teeth bared like a cornered hound. Hawke had backed off the second he’d freaked out, a moment of sort-of intimacy sharply shattered by whatever had happened in Fenris’s head, but the moment of panic hadn’t faded and he had only worked himself deeper and deeper into a tangle of fear and anger. 

“I know I don’t,” she offered, trying to defuse whatever was going on. “I can never fully understand. But I want to try. I want to be here for you, even if I never completely understand everything.”

“That’s the problem,” he hissed, and okay, now she was really confused. 

It hurt, but she would let it happen if it had to. “Fenris, if you want to leave, if you don’t want to be with me, I would never try to make you–”

“That’s the _problem_!” Fenris’s eyes were wild. Hawke had no idea what was happening. “I _don’t_ want to leave! I _want_ to be with you, for some Maker-forsaken reason. 

“But I can’t.” With that, all the anger drained out of the air in an instant. He wouldn’t look at her. “He took that too. Every time I try, every time I even _think_ about doing anything with you, all I can feel are _his_ hands, his weight. I want to be rid of him, but he haunts me everywhere I go. I’ll never be free.”

Oh. Now she understood. _Maker_ , had he felt this way all this time? Hawke tried again. She had to resolve this, had to make him understand before he dug himself any deeper, any further away from her. 

“Oh, Fenris.” The soft words slipped out unbidden, but at least they had the result of Fenris’s eyes snapping back up to meet hers. “Was this what’s been bothering you? I don’t mean to dismiss it or make it feel small – but you need to know. 

“Fenris, I would be perfectly happy if I never had sex ever again.”

 _That_ had an effect. Fenris looked almost thunderstruck. “What? Hawke, I won’t take that away from you, just because–”

“You aren’t taking away anything. I’m serious.”

“But–” now he seemed lost. “You’ve had sex before.” It came out more like a question. 

Hawke laughed. “I was a mercenary for years. It happened occasionally.” She grew serious again. “But it didn’t mean much for me. It wasn’t… important? To others it was, I suppose, at least sometimes. I wasn’t especially fussed either way.” She took a breath and met Fenris’s eyes again, trying to tell him, beyond words, what she wanted to say. 

“Fenris, I would rather be with you than ever have sex ever again. If, someday, you felt that you wanted to try again, I would be willing to try. As long as you were comfortable with it, as long as you wanted it. But if that never happened, I would still be happy. I want to spend my life with you. I want to fight with you by my side, come home with you, read with you. I want to sleep in the same bed as you, even if all we ever do is sleep. Maybe cuddle. But I am beyond serious when I say that sex has nothing to do with what I want from you. For you. With you.” 

The elf was silent. Hawke shifted, suddenly anxious. She’d said too much, come on too heavy. She’d worded it badly, and now he would turn away and leave again. Hawke was so tired of people leaving. She would never stop him, of course, never attempt to control his actions, but she prayed that one day he would decide to stay instead. 

“Do you mean that?” The words were spoken so quietly that she almost couldn’t hear them. But he must have said them at that volume intentionally, because he could certainly be quieter and then Hawke never would have heard it at all. But she had, and she answered. 

“More than anything.” 

This was all she could do. Stand steady as she always had, tell him what she thought and how she felt, and let him choose his own actions. Now was the moment. Either he would turn and leave, to who knew where and for who knew how long, or he would stay. 

She hoped he would stay. 

Eyes like afternoon clouds finally rose up to meet hers once more. When he spoke it was still quiet, but again he kept the volume loud enough that Hawke could hear him. And Maker, did she want to hear him. She caught herself doing the thing again, subconsciously tilting her head slightly so that her left ear was just a bit closer, just a little better-positioned to catch the words, but she didn’t care. All that mattered was him. The room was silent, and Hawke waited for Fenris to speak. 

“I think…” Hawke was unintentionally holding her breath, waiting to hear the elf’s thoughts, “I think that I would like to – try.

“I cannot promise that… that anything will change,” those stormcloud eyes slid away but returned, filled with emotion. “It may, and it may not. But if you will have me, I would like to stay by your side. To… share your life. To fight with you by my side, to come home with you, to read with you. To sleep in the same bed, even if all we do is sleep.” A rare smile flashed across his face. “And maybe cuddle.”

Hawke burst out laughing. She let the words seep in, slip into her damaged ears and run through her flesh until they reached her heart. They curled up there, warm. She reached out, hands held up and open. “I’ll have you if you’ll have me, Fenris.”

Razor-sharp gauntlet claws rested on her skin, dandelion-light. He held so much power in his body, lyrium and muscle alike, and yet his touch could be gentle as a sunbeam. Maker, she loved this elf. 

“You know my answer,” he said. His head was tilted down, mouth at a strange angle so Hawke couldn’t quite make out the words. 

She knew them anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> if you're interested in Hard of Hearing hawke, i'm planning on writing more DA stuff eventually and cloud is HoH in all of itttt


End file.
